Tuesday, September 11, 2007
So last night I came home high, nothing new about that & I had a panic attack while I was on the phone with my Mom & her & her boyfriend showed up trying to get me to go to rehab & I told them that there are plenty of people who get clean & stay clean without going to rehab, their are a lot of other things that I can do to help myself & I don't want to detox in rehab, I'd rather be here & detox, at least I can be around the people that I love & care about instead of a bunch of strangers! I understand why my Mom is so upset, but it's like I told everyone last night, me loving everyone is not enough for me to stay off the drugs, I can't do this for everyone else, I have to do this for myself & sometimes it's very hard to get people around me to understand these things! I know that what everyone says is true, that they can't help me until I help myself & it's not that I don't want to, but I'm having a really hard time with this, change is hard! My Mom called me this morning & asked me to go check myself in again. I haven't even really tried to get clean before, it's not the stopping that is hard, it's staying stopped that is so hard! Today I am going to talk to my Dr & I know that he is going to be upset with me because I missed my last appointment which he told me not to miss because he needs to monitor me pretty closly because of my meds. My mind is racing & I feel like screaming! I really do want to change & get myself & my life together, my Mom is right, I can't go on like this & like I told her this isn't living, it's just existing! I hope that there is an NA meeting tonight because if there is then I'm going to go, I really need to go! I know that if I would throw myself into my recovery that I would recover, that if I would just put half the effort into my recovery that I put into chasing & using drugs that I would do good & be able to get clean, but so far I haven't done that & honestly I don't know why because I cry out for help all the time & I'm very unhappy & know that I want to change things. I know that I can't do this on my own, that I need help & that there is a long hard road ahead of me! My Mom said that I don't realize how much this hurts the people around me, but I do & I know that this not only affects me, but also the people who love & care about me! What is said is true, nothing changes if nothing changes!
Posted at 11:51 am by bipolaraddict
Monday, September 10, 2007
I had good intentions, but in my heart I already knew that I would get high today & now I hate myself even more! My Mom & her boyfriend came to see me tonight & asked me to let them take me to rehab, but I wouldn't go. I'm tired so that's all for now.
Posted at 11:42 pm by bipolaraddict
Ok so I'm going to try my hardest to stay off of the fucking drugs! I didn't have any yesterday or the day before that & my body & my mind both can tell that, my stomach is all fucked up & my mind just goes in fucking circles thinking about drugs & getting high. I'm so frustrated! I really want to get high today or at least get a buzz & I honestly can't say that I won't! To me it's like being very thirsty & not having anything to drink, your craving something to quench your thirst, but you have nothing & it drives you crazy & makes you angry! I guess tonight I will probably go to an NA meeting if there is one & if there isn't then there is probably an AA meeting which there usually is, I like both NA & AA meetings & they both apply because if I'm not drugging then I turn to drinking & most of the time when I do drink I don't know when to fucking stop, not always, but usually my goal when I drink is to get smashed & sometimes drinking makes things worse if I don't have any drugs because it sometimes makes me crave drugs even worse! I can be drinking, getting drunk & I will go try to score drugs & do them along with drinking, sometimes I score, sometimes I don't, but when I do there I am getting drunk & high, it's always something, I always feel that I have to have something, something to alter my mind, my perception of the world, of reality. I always feel the need to use some form of substance to change how I feel. I have good intentions, but the road to hell is paved with good interntions & sometimes I fear that I may die like this, that I won't be able to stay clean & that my life will always be fucked up like this & what I hate the most is this fucking obsession that I have in my mind, the obsession to use, to get high. Anyways, I have a lot to do today so hopefully I will find some motivation & get these things done & maybe I will finally start getting somewhere in my life, maybe, someday...hopefully! I really need to get a job, I have way too much free time on my hands & I need to change that & besides we could use the extra money...I usually can't be trusted with money because I will go & buy drugs, but I have to find some self control!
Posted at 09:03 am by bipolaraddict
Sunday, September 09, 2007
We stayed up all night talking about us, about our relationship & things that we both need to work on & I came clean & told him the truth about what I did & I hate myself for hurting him, but he really wants us to stay together & work things out & I really do too because I love him so much & he is good to me & is trying to help me better myself & my life. I am getting off these drugs, I am going to do better & get straight & make something of myself & my life, I want to do better & feel better & be better! I'm so sick & tired of being sick & tired & I am going to do something about it no matter what it takes!
Posted at 07:21 pm by bipolaraddict
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Maybe their right....maybe I am a loser & maybe I do act like a fucking whore! Maybe I am pathetic! I'm such a fucking waste of space! I hate myself!
Posted at 02:01 am by bipolaraddict
Thursday, September 06, 2007
My Technorati Profile
I don't know what to do! I know that things have to change & that change isn't easy & I keep trying to remember what my Mom told me, that I have to be stronger than this, I feel so fucking weak & pathetic! I know that I should leave, that this situation is not good for me & that I'm very stressed out & feel like shit, but I keep trying to tell myself that I can change things even if I stay in this situation, but honestly I don't feel that I can change, I don't even feel like I can be myself, the real me, I feel fake & like the real me isn't accepted or even liked! My Mom told me that I can come live with her until I get myself together & get my life straight, but I really don't want to, being there makes me feel more depressed though the rest is nice, but I don't have any freedom, I don't even have my own car anymore & that sucks! My Mom usually bitches at me so when she called & was talking to me & trying to help me feel better I was pretty surprised, but it was nice & she did help me feel a little better about things. A lot of what she said is true, but I just can't seem to bring myself to face the truth, guess what is said is true, that the truth hurts! I hope that today is better than yesterday, but I seriously doubt it, I wanted to leave last night, but I didn't because honestly I feel bad for him, but this is my life & I have to do what is right for me, not for him or anyone else! Maybe I will write more later...
Posted at 09:11 am by bipolaraddict
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
This sucks...I hate this shit!
I am so unhappy with my life! I'm so fucking depressed & miserable! I'm so fed up & sick & tired & bored & restless & I feel like I'm going fucking crazy, I know that I'm already half way there, to crazy! I got drunk last night, really drunk, that was a bad idea, no let me rephrase that, a very bad idea! I got sick & felt like total shit today & threw up this morning too & my stomach was all fucked up & shit, ugh, no more drinking for a long ass time, maybe never again...why the fuck did I ever enjoy doing that shit for anyways?! I know why, because I'm an addict & feel the need to numb myself, but last night sucked & I found myself wondering "Why in the hell did I do this, why did I let myself get this way for?" I started crying last night & thinking about all the painful shit that I have been through & then I got pissed off & shit & just felt like offing myself somehow, just ending it all, but then I thought about the kids & came back to my senses. The reality of my life, of this situation isn't a pretty one, it's fucked up majorly & I have got to do something about it, something good & positive & get myself straight & get my mind together instead of thinking about suicide all the fucking time & feeling sorry for myself! I've been thinking about checking myself into the hospital to get some rest & try to get my head clear & shit, maybe they can help get my on the right path, started in the right direction maybe...I need help, I can't do this by myself & my Mom is right I really need to start accepting the help that is offered to me! My life has gone from bad to worse in the past few years, it just keeps getting worse, something has got to give & quick! I need to get out of my fucking head & do something, I feel trapped & stuck & lost & confused! In a way I know what I need & what I need to do to get there, but I lack the motivation to do anything about it, nothing changes if nothing changes! Blah, my life sucks!
Posted at 09:55 pm by bipolaraddict
Monday, September 03, 2007
I fantasize about suicide. I dream about it. I think about it everyday. I think about how I want my funeral to be. I seek relief & release & drugs can only do so much. I seek a clear mind. I think about how people in my life would then know my pain if I were to commit suicide, then they would really know how I truly felt. I feel that I cannot live, but that I cannot die. Living with all these things, this depression, this bipolar, this addiction is exhausting & I am so sick & tired & it seems that no matter what I do that I can't win for losing! I have two beautiful daughters who keep me alive, they keep me from putting an end to all of this & honestly if I didn't have them I wouldn't hesitate to end this pain & suffering! It's a double edged sword! I really don't want to die, but I think about death a lot & I hear voices in my fucking head telling me to end it & when I pass a cemetary I think to myself "That's where I belong" I'm so sick & fucked up in my head & I'm so tired of this shit! I don't believe that anybody truly wants to die, but sometimes death seems like the answer, suicide becomes a friendly word. I think about the rest that follows death, the relief from the burdens & pain & suffering of this life, then I think about how I was raised & how I was told that if one were to commit suicide that they would burn for all eternity because it was a sin, then I ask myself if I really believe that & I don't think that I do. There are a lot of things that I was raised to believe that I don't, but these things are stuck in my fucking head & are hard to let go of. My Grandma told me that people who commit suicide are not in their right mind. A girl that I grew up around, I went to school with her, we rode the same bus & I was good friends with her older sister, she commited suicide a few years back, she shot herself, I went to her funeral & I remember feeling jealous, how fucked up is that?! I felt sad, but mostly jealous & as I watched her family & friends cry I thought to myself "Now, they truly know her pain" When I think about my babies coming to my funeral because I chose to take my own life it breaks my heart, I can't do that to them, I can't put them through that! My little brother once asked me if I ever wished I could just die for a while, not forever, just long enough to clear my mind & get some rest & I replied "All the fucking time!" Maybe suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but maybe sometimes the problem isn't temporary, maybe the problem is living life in darkness, in pain & suffering, maybe the problem is always there no matter what & maybe the problem is that some people just don't feel like living anymore! I don't feel like living, but I know that I have to right now, maybe at least until my kids are older, grown & then it wouldn't be so hard on them, it would still hurt them, but they would be able to handle it better & besides I don't want to leave them while they are still little, I do want to watch them grow. Honestly I never want my kids to know how sick I really am, but I know that one day they will know. Why do I think about death & suicide so much, because I'm in pain & it seems that there is no way out of all of this shit & it seems like life just keeps beating me down into the fucking ground no matter what I do! I live my life in this cage, locked far away from anyone or anything, I can't trust people & I'm scared. I feel that I'm just sitting here watching my life pass me by & it sucks! I will be 27 on my birthday this year & I have accomplished nothing that I want to accomplish & I have nothing! My life has to change, I have to change because I just can't go on like this anymore! This isn't living, it's existing!
Posted at 01:46 pm by bipolaraddict
Saturday, September 01, 2007
I want to stop using, but I'm finding it very hard! The drugs make me feel good then I crash & feel like total shit & the next day I feel very sick! Drugs are affecting my whole life & I want to get straight & stay clean!
My depression isn't getting any better, I have been on these meds for a long ass time, but I think that I need to tell my Dr that I don't feel that this is working. I really feel that I need to check myself in somewhere, a hospital or some type of place for people with mental illness. I also need rehab, but I tried that once & it depressed me even more & I really didn't feel that it was helping, I guess I could try another rehab place, but I need a place where there is more to it than just detoxing. I don't mind going somewhere for mental illness, it's not so bad, but for some reason rehab really bothers me! I'm going to transform myself into something different, something more interesting, something that is interesting to me, someone that I want to be because this is not me, I hate this & I want to change things! My first goal is to get & keep a job because I have really had problems with this in the past, but I was married for almost ten years & I never had to work, but I did have a few jobs in that time, but mostly I stayed home with the kids, but now that I'm not married anymore I would like to get out there & work & have my own money, not my boyfriends money, because there are things that I want & things that I want to get done. It seems like everything is hitting me all at once, as usual, things are shitty & if it's not one thing it's another, it's always something & I have no luck, I can't catch a fucking break! Maybe all the negative & bad energy I have put out over the years is coming back to me or maybe I'm just lazy or stupid or something, I don't know, but it sucks! My bipolar isn't so bad anymore so I guess my bipolar medicine is helping me a little, I don't want to go off of that one. I've got so much to do & so many things that I need to work on & change!
Posted at 10:25 pm by bipolaraddict